


maybe someday

by angelminhos



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Depression, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, also a Dad Friend, hyunjin/felix is only chapter 2, i’m projecting onto felix??, no editing whoops, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-08 05:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20829827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelminhos/pseuds/angelminhos
Summary: felix lets his demons win and nobody knows.





	1. Chapter 1

Felix had a devoted morning routine. He relied on it, he needed it. 

Wake up at 7am, get dressed, scroll through twitter for half an hour, the usual. Then he would leave the house. He’d meet Chan at 8, then they’d get the bus to school. It was comforting to have something stable in his life, even if nothing else was. 

Sometimes though, this routine got disrupted.

Today, for example, he hadn’t been able to sleep at all, and ended up spending the night tossing and turning, desperate for rest. It wasn’t like he’d slept at all every other day this week. 

So when his alarm went off at 7, he was already dressed. It was a total disruption to his daily life, but he couldn’t deal with spending more time awake, laying there hopelessly, succumbing slowly to despair. 

Everything from there was a downward spiral. 

To start with, he hadn’t expected to open twitter and find graphic self harm on his timeline. 

Felix could usually deal with it - it was a major trigger for him but he could survive most of the time. But today, in his sleep-deprived state, there was no way he could. He could feel his breathing failing him, becoming shorter and shorter with each inhale. This wasn’t supposed to happen, he thought. His body started to go numb and he fell to the floor, tears threatening to spill out. 

At least he was alone, he thought. If anyone else had been home, he would’ve gotten yelled at and everything would be so so so much worse. Not that it wasn’t already terrible, obviously. 

How long had passed, he didn’t know. But then his thoughts, which had faded in favour of fear, drifted back to the time. 7:35. He’d be late to meet Chan and then Chan would figure out something was wrong and he couldn’t risk that. He cared about Felix so much after all. 

He hated to think about, but he only had a few options. Pretend he was ill and not go to school - it was technically only half a lie.  
Just be late and let Chan worry. Or that.

For some reason, in his panicked, somewhat traumatised state, only one option seemed acceptable. 

So he stood on shaking legs and searched, desperately looking for the blade he kept tucked at the bottom of his desk, praying. A sting shot through his finger and he sighed in relief, grasping the razor in his hand. 

His thigh was scarred as could be, he noted to himself. Like it had already been sliced at over and over again, long enough ago to not still be a problem. Except the few red cuts from last week. He was entirely too prepared to add to them. Maybe he was crazy — that was why all of his friends despised him. He sqw their looks every time he was near them. It wasn’t like they were particularly subtle. 

Then he sliced, feeling his breath become more and more stable with each droplet of blood that spilled. And he sliced again. Again. Again. Again. Until he felt dizzy and sick and ecstatic. Alive. It had been so long since he truly felt this way. 

The blood fell onto the wooden floor beneath him, and he imagined flowers spurting up from the puddle, blooming delicately. At least there’d be something beautiful in his room. 

He quickly pulled off his blue jeans so he could change into a different pair; a black pair that could hide the blood more easily. It was still bleeding, albeit less, and his thigh was streaked by crimson lines - a representation of his desperation, his despair. Grabbing a tissue, he wiped it away, watching as new drops replaced them immediately. 

7:46. He was going to be late if he cleaned his cuts properly. His phone was dead after he spent the night scrolling endlessly, hoping to feel... anything, so he couldn’t contact Chan to explain. But he almost didn’t care — this sort of apathy normally hit him after the bleeding stopped. 

Felix tried to avoid taking his time, grabbing his backpack and adjusting his jeans, attempting to stop them sticking to his still bleeding cuts. They weren’t a real issue now, he figured. But he’d be lying if he said they didn’t sting with every step he took. Each time, he felt one of them rip a little more, and yet all he could do was pray that he didn’t bleed through his jeans. Then Chan would worry even more. 

It was 7:55 when he arrived at the bus stop, greeting Chan with a bright smile. He wouldn’t — couldn’t — let the older boy know. Felix struggled through the typical morning small talk before the bus finally came and he could be (slightly) free. 

When they sat down, pain shot through his leg again, and he could feel the bleeding starting again. Chan didn’t seem to see anything, even when his face contorted in agony and panic and everything he’d ever felt. 

He had no idea. No idea at all that he was all of twenty centimetres from an open wound. No idea about how much Felix suffered every day. He honestly didn’t know if he could trust anyone, even Chan - his best friend, his one confidant.

“...lix? Felix? Are you ok?” A voice whispered from next to him, laced with concern. 

“Oh, I guess I spaced out, sorry.” Felix tried to smile, but he knew it was shaking, weak. The boy next to him nodded slowly. 

“You can talk to me y’know. Just the two of us?” Chan always cared about Felix. But he knew that secretly the older boy hated him. He was nothing more than a burden for him. So weak and pathetic. 

“...yeah. I know. Maybe one day.” It was all Felix could manage to say in response. 

Chan was quiet for the rest of their journey. 

Once they arrived at school, a whole new issue hit Felix. The burning. 

It burned and burned and hurt. Why? He tried to question it but couldn’t - he couldn’t exactly take a look at his wounds now. 

It was fine. He was fine. He could smile and stay calm and not panic and ignore the burning agony in his leg. He could not listen to the voice in his head telling him to do it again and again and again because nobody could ever care about him and he was going to die alone. It was fine. 

Right?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is much less heavy than the last one. Also Hyunjin appeared out of nowhere so maybe I’ll continue this as a series?

It was an accident, Felix knew that. But that didn’t do much to stop him standing up and running as fast as his shaking legs could carry him. Every breath hurt. 

He knew Hyunjin hadn’t meant to - rather roughly - brush his hand over Felix’s cuts. He didn’t know why either - he’d been dissociating when it had happened, but was snapped from it in a second when the panic set in. His breathing came to a stop - he was beginning to grow tired of that feeling - and he started to shake. Only a couple of his friends really noticed, the rest continuing to talk and laugh loudly. 

“Felix!” He half-heard from the table they were sat at as he ran - or tried to, at least - away, finding himself in a empty bathroom stall. 

“What happened?” Those remaining in the dining room looked at each other in confusion. Chan spoke up, anger almost audible in his tone. 

“I’m going to follow him. Nobody else try.”   
He knew that something was wrong from the way Felix’s smile seemed to stop reaching his eyes, the way he scratched at his thigh and always spaced out. But he didn’t question it, didn’t think it needed to be questioned. 

“No. I’ll go, hyung. I think it was my fault?” Hyunjin was stood up before Chan could object, grateful he was taller than the older boy. “Just trust me, Chan-hyung.” 

Hyunjin wasn’t sure if he really knew what to do, but he had to try. A couple of months ago, he read an article about what to do if someone was having a panic attack — he was bored and everyone he knew was busy — and he could tell that was what Felix was having. 

He barely saw where Felix was heading when he left, so he followed his instincts and hoped it work out.

Hyunjin found Felix in the last stall of the toilets. He could hear his heavy breathing from a mile away. 

“Lix, can I come in?” The door unlocked after a moment of silence behind it. “Thank you.” 

The sight he was greeted to horrified him. Felix, tears streaming down his face, eyes red and puffy, was sat on the the seat and rocking back and forth. More importantly, his leg was bleeding through his jeans. Hyunjin had a feeling it was self-inflicted, even though the thought terrified him. 

“Hey, Lix. What happened? Are you ok?” He hesitated for a bit, “No, you obviously aren’t. Can I touch you?” 

Felix nodded slowly, moving over on the seat to make space. Hyunjin wrapped his arms around him, hesitating with every movement. 

“Breathe with me. You’ll be ok, Lix. It’s ok, I’m here. I’ve got you.” He was sure none of his words were helping, but he tried nonetheless. The shaking slowed down, but his breathing remained panicked. 

“I’m sorry, Lix. I don’t know what happened, but I’m sorry.” He spoke calmly, softly. Everything would be ok, surely. 

“It... It’s f-fine, Jinnie.” Felix tried to smile, but it ruined his breathing again and he jolted in Hyunjin’s arms. “I’m sorry for being a burden to you guys.”

“Lix...” He didn’t know what to say, “Do you really think you’re a burden? You’re not. Not at all. We love you. I love you.” The words spilled from him like honey-coated vomit, but it seemed to calm him down more. 

Hyunjin didn’t know how long they sat in there, but eventually Felix wasn’t panicked at all. He was spacing out easily, but he tried to keep himself grounded for Hyunjin’s sake.

“Do you want to talk about it, Lix?” 

“Not right now. Umm... maybe later?” He forced a smile, but dropped it. His eyes were glassy again. “I don’t need to smile, do I?” 

“No, of course not baby. You don’t mind if i call you that do you?” When Felix shook his head, he smiled “Can I... kiss you, Felix?”

Felix didn’t respond, looking away from Hyunjin. He spun his head around as fast as he could in their cramped space, his lips meeting the taller boy’s. 

“Of course you can.” He smiled, a real one for the first time in who knows how long. 

Felix knew he genuinely couldn’t talk about his problems without panic, but he was willing to try for Hyunjin. 

Someday.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is basically a diary entry in fanfic form?? The next chapter won’t be, I swear. It’ll be a little less heavy maybe.


End file.
